S1 | EP3: When Mom Breaks Her Own Screentime Rules

When Mom Breaks Her Own Screentime Rules

What happens when the kid who grew up with screen time rules becomes the one making the decisions?

In this episode of Infinite Halls, I sit down with Sophie and her college-aged daughter, Tina, for a conversation that spans childhood, adolescence, and the complicated transition into independence.

Like many parents, Sophie spent years creating boundaries around technology.

Time limits.

Family agreements.

Rules designed to help her daughter develop a healthy relationship with screens.

And like many kids, Tina learned how to live within those boundaries—and eventually beyond them.

But this isn't a story about enforcing rules.

It's a story about what happens after them.

Because as mother and daughter reflect on their own digital habits, something unexpected emerges.

Screen time was never just about discipline.

It was about emotions.

Relationships.

Environment.

Design.

And the invisible systems shaping all of us every day.

Together, we explore:

• How digital habits evolve as children grow into young adults
• Why self-regulation is more complicated than simply having good intentions
• The tension between parental guidance and personal responsibility
• How technology companies design for attention
• What families can realistically expect from rules and boundaries
• Why digital wellbeing is a lifelong practice, not a destination

This episode lives in the space between control and autonomy.

Because every parent hopes that one day their child will make good choices when nobody is watching.

But that transition is rarely clean.

It's filled with experimentation.

Mistakes.

Self-awareness.

And the gradual realization that managing technology isn't something children magically learn when they turn eighteen.

It's something all of us are still figuring out.

Together.

Because the question is no longer simply: "How much screen time is too much?"

It's: "What does a healthy relationship with technology actually look like—and how do we build it over a lifetime?"

If you've ever wondered whether your family rules are working, or how to prepare your child for a world where screens are everywhere, this episode is for you.

No judgment. No perfect answers. Just a real conversation from inside the endless twists and turns of growing up digital.

Mums@Play Circle
The MAP Circle is part the Mums@PLAY community, designed for solopreneurs growing their businesses.

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.

Transcript

Sharing Struggles Together

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I think share those struggle is helpful because when you see other people also facing those uh challenges, it will make you less judgment and more understanding. And you can have those conversations not about the rule, but about how you feel and what approach could be helpful.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

Welcome to Infinite Halls, a podcast series where we navigate the endless twists and turns of parenting in the digital age. I'm Arcadia Kim, a parent who's been through the highs, lows, and unexpected detours of raising kids in the world of screens. Here we don't judge, no rules, no shame, just stories, reflection, and maybe just a little bit more understanding. In each episode, we sit down with guests to hear their personal stories and reflections about life at screens. Whether it's a parent, a teen, or sometimes both together. No two stories are the same, but each one offers something real, something profound and heartfelt. Today's episode is different. We sit down with a mom, Sophie, who's supported by her daughter, Tina, for a conversation around screen time struggles that the parent faces. Together, they will share what it's like to navigate screen time limits from both sides. A parent combating her own screen time habits, and a child discovering that setting screen time boundaries is a shared thing together between family members. Sophie's story shows the power of being open to one's struggles and vulnerabilities, even when it feels messy. Welcome to Infinite Halls. If you can introduce yourself, a little background about where you're from and etc.

SPEAKER_00 1:54

Thank you for having me. I'm Sophie. I'm originally from Beijing, China, and I moved to Raleigh, North Carolina in 2018 with my family. My company offered me a position here. I work in a global supply chain for a multinational company over 25 years. And also I have a daughter, Tina, and who just finished her first year of college and helping to set up the interview. So so proud of her.

SPEAKER_02 2:47

Thank you so much. This is a very special interview because what I like to call it's a couple, it's a parent and child. And so it's a particularly interesting perspective to be able to have the conversation on both sides now, Tina.

House Rules on Screens

SPEAKER_02 3:03

When you were back at home, what kind of screen time rules did your parents set for you?

SPEAKER_01 3:10

No, no phones when you're on your bed, when the light is off, basically. No playing in the bed. You're supposed to sleep. That was a big one. I don't know how she enforces it. Maybe she stops by my room to see if I'm still on my phone. Actually, I think I got more screen rules from my dad. He set up actual limits on the screen. So like it turns off once it hit a certain number of hours. And he also did passwords. I did figure to get around some of them, but he kept changing them. They weren't super strict about it. I think I got exposed to screens a lot earlier. Well, like when I was really young, it was kind of loose around. And especially after I got to high school, they're not so strict and hard anymore. But maybe only the on-the-bed thing that still is a big thing.

SPEAKER_02 3:59

So you had a rule that was no screen time on the bed, particularly after hours, right? Did you ever get in trouble for having your screen in bed? I think they definitely found out a few times.

SPEAKER_01 4:10

And they would take the phone.

SPEAKER_02 4:12

Sophie, do you remember setting up any of these rules? Why did you set them up?

SPEAKER_00 4:17

Yeah, I did remember because I feel lucky when Tina was young, younger, the iPhone or iPad, they just come out. I remember in the beginning, we didn't buy them. So the screen Tina more on is a TV. And I intentionally gave her an educational type of a program which will tell her about some basic social rules, like how to be polite, how to wait in line. So all the good behavior we set up once a day, she will watch that. And then, like start from the elementary school, still it's not really about smartphone yet, because we didn't give phone to her. She mostly used iPad. So as our anjou, it's a pretty simple, like uh no pad during dinner and no screen time after the bedtime. So why I set it up because I was mostly concerned about her sleep and her vision counts. And also I feel the screen definitely will distract her attention. I also want the family together. I want some quality time instead of you know, everyone just look their own screen. Sometimes I just go upstairs and peek from her bedroom to see if she's still with her phone. If yes, I will knock the door and say it's time to turn it off.

From Control to Trust

SPEAKER_00 5:43

During the COVID lockdown time, this is the first year for Tina at the high school. So they everyone on the screen. It's hard to control.

SPEAKER_02 5:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:53

After the COVID, the kids back to school, we kind of stop the rule, as Tina also mentioned. Because I used to be very upset if I caught her up, still on the phone very late. But because I concern if she got enough sleep and stay focused on her schoolwork because high school is quite tense. I discussed with her about my concern and why I keep kind of reminding her. I know it will be annoying, you know. Your mom always reminds you, but she may feel all the things under control. But I keep saying it's annoying. I totally get it. And when I discuss with her about that, she shared with me her plan. So I found that she has a clear routine set up by herself. And then she has her own pace, and her school performance is showing good. So I just stopped panic. I feel okay, my daughter has her plan and just let her handle.

SPEAKER_01 6:51

Yes, I'm aware of what you're panicking on. I have control over the situation, my own, like what I'm doing. Right.

SPEAKER_02 6:58

And partially you probably had to vocalize and verbalize what you were doing to your mom, which then she was like, Oh, okay. She's much more of an adult, a self-controlling adult than I thought. And so now that you are out of the house, Tina, have these rules changed, or do you feel like you're still like, okay, I've got this plan working. I'm in control. What's your thoughts?

SPEAKER_01 7:22

Yeah, I don't really have a lot of rules for myself. I think also because being away from home, I kind of have to talk to everyone through screens. So I actually feel like the news got more uncontrollable.

SPEAKER_02 7:36

And you have these tools to be able to keep in touch with all of your old friends and all the various places that they might be. So that's really it's quite a privilege.

SPEAKER_00 7:45

She's in college, it's away from us 11 hours drive. So it's no way to keep setting any rule. So I think she's fully in charge of her own schedule and habits. I may still check in with her sometimes. And I will remind her, oh, take some breaks from the screen and also add other vitamin to her. But I think you know nowadays it's avoidable to be spent so many times on the screen. So it's a gradual process. So along with based on your child's custom maternity, you can adjust your rule step by step. You know where to stop, stop them. They have to use that to connect with friends and study or entertaining. So you just adjust the rule step by step.

Parents Struggle Too

SPEAKER_02 8:32

Have you caught yourself doing the very thing that you told your child not to do? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:37

When I realize it, I feel embarrassed a little bit. I also remember back the time she's into play the game on the phone. When I remind her it's time to log off, she responded with you and dad also screwing you in your phone. Why not me? So at that time I feel bad. Like since we are not really being a good role model for our kids.

SPEAKER_02 8:58

Why do you think it's so hard for these habits and struggles to change?

SPEAKER_00 9:02

I think about it because when Tina and I discussed this topic, it's a struggle to change because, first of all, I think we got the instant comfort. When we're tired or we are we feel bored, stressed, it's easier to just pick up the phone, right? And scrolling and watch some fun video. It feels like a quick escape from current borrowing words. And secondly, I think that the screen, all those applications, they are kind of designed to keep us hooked. The more we watch, the more we get stuck. It's called the information bubble. So it will keep feeding you the similar content and make you stay. You may not even realize how much time you spend. And eventually, because you keep reading the same learning information, it makes you have very narrow perspective. That's two reasons about it's hard to change.

SPEAKER_02 10:03

Yeah, it's absolutely true. It's a mathematically designed and that algorithm to kind of keep you hooked in. When I first started Infinite Screen Time back in 2020, I didn't even know how to use Instagram. I had this idea, I had this mission, but I didn't have the tools. And I remember asking what felt like a very vulnerable question inside Mehru Tyrell's moms at play community. Can someone teach me Instagram? And almost immediately a workshop showed up. I joined, I learned, and something shifted. Not just because I learned Instagram, but because I realized I could learn one small step turned into another, and suddenly I wasn't just sitting on an idea, I was building something. And then I joined the map circle, and I felt like I got a whole learning community. It's not flashy or performative. It's a room of women building businesses while raising families and navigating real life. You can ask the basic question. Bring the messy idea. Say, um, duck. And instead of judgment, you'll get real help, real encouragement, and real momentum. If you're looking for a special place where you can grow, be supported, and not have to pretend you've got everything under control, Map Circle might not be exactly that. Inside the circle, you'll find member pricing for events, access to new momza play offerings, and a community that shows up through small things like uh weekly features, shared moments, and member only gatherings. You can find a link in the show notes if you're curious. And if you do decide to join, let Meru know. Arcadia and Infinite Hall sent you. Tina,

Strategies and New Habits

SPEAKER_02 11:50

do you have any advice for your mom? Maybe some strategies on how she might be able to curtail her addiction.

SPEAKER_01 12:00

Telling your kid or your parent that it's a shared struggle. It's not like the parents are perfect or the other way around. It's a shared struggle, and I think it helps with understanding. It's like pointing fingers, it just opens more room for reflection together. Working on it together can be helpful. Like if the parent and the kid does something together, then they can't really be on the screens.

SPEAKER_02 12:21

Tina, I love that actually. That is so wise. The moment you say, I'm having this problem, and then you share that, you're able to help each other through it. And so this is a particular area that is an issue. I think what you're saying, Tina, is we can retract ourselves from that. We can confess to each other and then try to help each other make sure that we've got it under control.

SPEAKER_00 12:48

Yeah, so sometimes I realize what I'm scrolling is meaningless. I set a rule to turn off the light on 11 30. Also, I set it uh my lamp automatically turned off. But I still, the reality is I keep turning it on. You know, I'm struggling on that because I'm kind of a self-disciplined person. So that one annoyed me because I cannot, I want to sleep before 12, but I just cannot do that. So I find a coach and I talk with the coach. I I want her to help me explore about why I cannot follow my own rules. I realize it's not about entertainment, but I treat it as my daily treat for myself to survive from a whole day hardworking. So I treat it, I feel I deserve certain minutes or one hour to just really surfing on the on all those social media. That's the thing after the coaching section, I I realized I confess, and then I kind of think about okay, I need some reward. I can maybe find some other options. And then I found that the most workable way is physically away from the phone. It will avoid me to keep doing that. And I think you need to do that intentionally or get a new hobby like uh painting. When I paint, I would not look at the phone. I found that that is the most effective way, and I'm glad I talked with the coach to figure out the reason behind that.

SPEAKER_02 14:25

That's an incredible insight. The fact that you did the work to figure out why. We talk about that in infinite screen time when I talk to my clients. Is our screen time use is driven by our values, like what we want to be. And so, and we choose it and to not choose it, right? And so, and what your value here you're saying is that I work really hard and I feel like there I deserve to have some opportunity to reward myself. But there's a certain point when you feel good about what you've rewarded yourself with. And then there's a point when you start to feel like it's starting to be a waste of time. And you know, like the kids talk about brain rot. It's a word, right? That literally means I'm watching stuff that's not good for me. It's like eating a ton of candy. It makes me feel good momentarily, but I know there's going to be a crash. The fact that you, Sophie, have done that work to know that about yourself. I think rewarding yourself for 30 minutes, 45 minutes at the end of the day is not a bad thing. As long as you know that's in the space of what you're comfortable with and you're not gonna make yourself feel bad about it at all. Because there is enjoyment to sort of seeing a little bit of that and connecting with your interests through that space, right? Because in the same way that it's designed to trigger you and bring you back in, it is also designed to be frictionless for you to find the things that you're interested in. It's got both of those elements on two sides of the coin. It flips over to the negative side when you feel like I cannot put this down. Like I've now wasted an entire hour and a half doing this thing, and I could have been doing something much more meaningful. These are all really great little strategies. What Tina was saying about talking about what's on your feed is also helpful, right? Because when you talk about it, then you're like, oh wow, I'm watching way too much skibbity toilet and not something that's probably better for me. I will make an observation, which I think is really amazing. I think the two of you have a really amazing way of sharing and communicating with each other, trying to make each other better, which I love. Tina, when you're talking to your mom about her screen time struggles and her path, you're not talking to her like a mom who's over you. You're talking to her as somebody who's also going through the same things from a different perspective. And I really love that. Do you recognize that kind of change in your relationship with each other, particularly when it comes to talking about screen time and technology? Feel like there's a bit of a more of a partnership in understanding each other. You're Tina, you're the one giving your mom advice on how to manage her screen time, right?

SPEAKER_00 17:02

I think share those struggles is helpful because uh when you see other people also facing those challenges, it will make you less judgment and more understanding each other. And you can have those conversations not about the rule, but about how you feel and what approach could be helpful. Growing up in China, I was raised with a more top-down approach. The parents will set the rule and the kids follow. But after leaving the US, I saw it's important you are helping the kids develop dependency and helping them on some decision-making skills. They will finally make the decision, the choice for themselves. I feel you're kind of shifting from the rule to the conversation. I think that's important when you think about parenting, especially when your kids grow up. You cannot control them because they eventually will rebel. From a teenager age or even earlier, the parent should focus on more understanding, influencing instead of you know just to give the rule.

SPEAKER_02 18:11

What are your thoughts, Tina?

SPEAKER_01 18:12

I appreciate that mentality. That goes back to just letting go of control when it's it's gonna cause more rebellion if you hold on tighter as the kids get older. Or maybe sometimes you just kind of have to let the kids learn the consequences themselves for some of my screen habits. I'm like, oh, I can't do that because like I did this before and I didn't like how it turned out. It brought our relationship closer, and it's a lot easier for me to talk to my mom in this way because we've kind of built this partnership relationship more open about struggles like screen time.

SPEAKER_02 18:47

It's easier to talk to your mom about this because she is approaching you already with this notion of like, I'm actually not good at this as well, as opposed to these are rules you must follow them, and if you break them, then you hear the consequences, and then I'm secretly kind of doing the same exact thing. And then it's hard for you to talk anybody to talk to them and be like, Oh, this made me feel really bad. And then you're hiding with it. I think that's pretty true across the board. Your mom is being vulnerable to you.

Kindness and Closing Takeaways

SPEAKER_02 19:21

So, Sophie, if you could say anything as a parent raising kids in the technology age, if you could go back in time and tell your young mother self in managing this technology, because there's so many changes in the technology that happen, and then there's also so many changes developmentally for your kid. What would be a piece of advice that you would give to yourself?

SPEAKER_00 19:46

Give myself, okay. I think I should be kind to myself. As a Chinese mom, in my mind, I think I need to be perfect, I need to be strong, I need to control. But when I think back and then look at my struggle, I think it's important to be kind to myself because I need to handle the work and the life, raising the kids, even have my husband help for sure. But uh, it's a tough, so I need to be nice to myself and also I start to practice awareness. When I'm aware, okay, I'm losing control or I'm not follow what I try to do. Once I aware that I can take the positive action instead of just feel embarrassed or feel bad for myself. Another point is open with my child earlier. Then she will not see me as a mom keep giving the rule or reminder, but with someone who also needs help. We're the same. We're trying to find the why and how.

SPEAKER_02 20:46

So to be kinder to yourself and be more open to your child. I think that's wonderful.

SPEAKER_01 20:53

When my mom and I were talking, she mentioned another takeaway. Don't over-expect from your kids since it's a shared struggle. I feel like it goes the other way. Like the parents don't overexpect from the kids because it's like inevitable and as human. So I think it's just hard, especially under this time period. And then for the kids, you also have to look in the parents' perspective a little to see that it's a shared struggle and seeing that can help to get close to each other. And then the vulnerability thing, I think it's a really big part. Like showing that not everyone's perfect. Well, no one is perfect, especially when it's screens and like addictive things.

SPEAKER_02 21:30

I love that it's a shared struggle, and you can use the technology as a platform for connection because everybody is struggling with it, and everybody has highs and lows. So, this is an area that you can actually share within each other and also then be able to get better at it. That's a really great perspective. That's also super wise. As parents, sometimes we think we have to solve everything for our kids and builds that path before them, like you know. Like train tracks before the train is going over it, right? And then when you throw technology into the fray, you're like, ah, actually, this is a multi-dimensional track. For parents, it feels like we're not able to know what the technology is before it's coming. And so it's super stressful. Then what you realize from the kids' perspective, like exactly what you're talking about, Tina, kids are like, Well, I don't know either. I work with lots of families with younger kids, and it's hard for them to see that. For both of you, you've already been down this path and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think Tina's gonna be okay.

SPEAKER_00 22:32

Especially under current AI, large language models. As a parent, we don't have answers as well, right? I feel we just start a conversation and work through it together. Also, I don't remember which book I read that. The wording, it's really resonant to me. Is the most powerful parenting moments come when you stop leading and start working beside.

SPEAKER_02 22:59

Thank you so much for both of you guys. I really, really enjoyed our time talking together. In this episode, we talk about screen time struggles that parents themselves face in the daily life, some reason behind these very struggles, and how to deal with the negative feelings they bring. The truth is, there's no perfect parenting. Parents, just like their kids, can experience screen time challenges and approaching them with curiosity, understanding, and acceptance instead of guilt and shame and judgment. We can all be a little kind to ourselves. And by being open to sharing struggles and vulnerabilities, parents and kids are able to open trust, support, and a sense of partnership to work through screen time challenges together with more empathy and understanding. So don't hesitate to talk about your own challenges with your child. An honest conversation is ten times better than any screen time fight. At its core, this podcast is about rethinking our relationship with screens without judgment, shame, or guilt, and without any easy answers. Through personal stories, we explore how technology intersects with parenting, family dynamics, communication, and our everyday choices. Our goal is to open up space for reflection, nuance, and curiosity. Because in a world shaped by screens, the way forward always starts with understanding the stories behind them. This podcast is a project of Infinite Screen Time, an organization I founded back in 2020 to help parents raise screen smart kids by setting the goal for the infinite possibilities of technology. Technology is powerful and inseparable from today's parenting. Feel free to click on the link in the podcast description to learn more about our mission and what we do. Thank you so much for listening. We're grateful to share these stories with you, and we'll see you next time.