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Introduction to Infinite Halls
Arcadia: Hey, it's Arcadia, your screen time squad mate. This is Infinite Halls where we explore the maze of parenting in the digital age. I am a former video game exec and a mom who's seen it all the highs, the meltdowns, and the magic in between. Here, there's no judgment, just stories, honest, reflection, and a little bit more understanding.
Every episode explores honest stories about life with screens growing up, parenting and staying connected in the digital world. Today's episode is called "Background Noise, Front Row Studies." My dear friend Jayne, shows how her son, Jamie's chaotic looking study set up two screens, YouTube and music in the background flipped her idea of focus on its head. What looked like distraction turned out to be discipline, and what began as a parenting test became [00:01:00] a masterclass in trust. This episode dives into how technology used with self-awareness can spark independence instead of undermining it.
Meet Jayne Schrantz
Arcadia: Hi Jayne. I'm so excited to have you in Infinite Halls. You have an amazing story to tell and a philosophy that I would love to have all of my listeners know. Can you, give us a quick introduction about yourself?
Jayne: My name is Jayne Schrantz.I am the mother of three boys. My eldest is 21, he's in university in Vancouver. I have an 18-year-old son who just finished up secondary. in the UK and he's on a gap year now and will be going to medical school in the UK next September. My youngest is 15 and he is at school here in Hong Kong.
contemplating what he's gonna do next year, and whether or not he is gonna [00:02:00] change schools in the last two years or not. I am the director of an education employment program at Run Hong Kong. So I work very closely providing support for very vulnerable refugees and asylum seekers in Hong Kong.
I've been in Hong Kong for about, I think this is my 26th year, going into 27 years. yeah, so that's everything about me.
Arcadia: Okay. we've been friends for a very long time. We love talking about, raising our kids and living life.
The FAFO Parenting Philosophy
Arcadia: you've joked about your parenting style summed up as.
"Fuck Around and Find Out (FAFO)" what does thatmean to you as a parent. I love this idea and think lots of parents would, love to adopt this concept in their life.
Jayne: Sure. So the, the, the general idea is we try to allow our kids to make small mistakes as they go along, and find out what consequences of those mistakes are with the idea in mind that as they understand risk, better
Not trying to protect them too much they're [00:03:00] more prepared to deal with bigger mistakes that they may make. You know, of course I wanna say this. That's my perspective and my parenting approach, and it is, I hate to use this term, it's almost a buzzword now that is a position of privilege because Hong Kong is an extremely safe city to raise children.
It's probably one of the safest in the world. So there's many things I haven't had to worry about I parent from a position of privilege. I have had a lot of help and a lot of support along the way.
Um, but at an interpersonal level, I'm talking about when I have been parenting my sons and my husband We have a bit of the Gen X perspective we grew up with a lot less oversight than kids today
Arcadia: I'm glad you talked about that privilege, That privilege creates space to take risks. technology is also a privilege something we didn't necessarily have growing up.
that allowed us to be more, I don't know, feral. Right, right. And so, um, yeah, and FAFO isn't reckless. It's about letting kids make mistakes early. How does that reflect in the values you and your husband [00:04:00] have? I'd love to hear more
Jayne: they require trust That you've done a good job of communicating your values to your children, to begin with. I think that. It's tough to have this position of, okay, we'll just live with the consequences of that bad decision that you've made. if you don't trust that your kids have an understanding of your values and to some extent share them,
I don't think you can divorce parenting from context if you look at the environment in which my children have been raised, the risk is actually over parenting, Not under parenting because, you have these deeply involved parents who feel everything is a high stakes game.
getting your child into a certain school then university and into vocational pathway is very, very high stakes. there's more than enough support that, I never have to worry about not having somebody to help take care of my kids those are not risks that I've ever had to take.
for me, It's been an issue of values and making sure my kids understand what my values are. I guess all along, like I've had this because of technology and the rise of social media and stuff, I've had this fear that my kids are going to [00:05:00] end up doing something that's monumental, that gets them like globally canceled.
That's like one of my biggest irrational fears that I have So wanting to communicate values to them all the time and hoping that they have internalized them enough that it guides their behavior has been very, very important to me.
Arcadia: That's an irrational fear I have too about my kids because we grew up feral Jayne.
Jayne: Right? I've known you well. Oh, me. I mean, I think we both know, we went to college together. I'm, I'm very glad social media did not exist when I was Right. Uh, in high school, or very lucky or university. Very lucky. Yeah. Um, very lucky. But being aware now knowing what can happen when things go viral, How damaging it can be, especially when the mistakes are made by young people who really don't necessarily have the full understanding of what can, like, how things can blow up in their faces. And maybe nowadays actually they do have much more of an understanding. But I think, you know, there's been a period of time during which people didn't understand the.
toxic, nature of viral behavior, [00:06:00] viral takes on things. So, yeah. that's been something that's worried me. it comes down to judgment and values and how they work together to prevent that sort of negative, experience
Arcadia: Yeah. So technology is bringing that values conversation to the forefront. probably. And giving them that opportunity earlier to experiment on what it means. To work and exist in a certain way.
Jamie’s Unconventional Study Methods
Arcadia: And so I wanna talk about this scene right, how your son Jamie works.
And it seems pretty unconventional, but I would love for you to sort of describe it. Can you set the scene for me?
What does it look like
Jayne: okay. So, you know,
it was basically his last year of A levels. I went over in February and I noticed then for his, half term break
He was studying every day. He'd study for like four or five, six hours. He'd sit down and just do practice paper after practice paper. he frequently had a screen on at the same time, at least one screen. And I, you know, he'll [00:07:00] wear headphones, so I don't know exactly whether he is listening to music or what's going on, but I could see sometime there was video running.
every once in a while I'd say, is that a good idea? he kept saying just stay in your lane. I know what I'm doing. I was a little concerned, but his results had been fantastic. The teacher reports were fantastic. So I felt like I had to trust him, about the way he was studying and preparing.
But he told me this story a couple weeks later after I had expressed concern he'd gone back. After half term he'd been sitting there doing some more prep work and he'd already sat a middle set of mock exams and he had, what his headmaster had told him was like the highest.
Set of, results in the entire cohort of 200 kids, he'd gotten the best results. Yeah. so he was prepping for one of his mock exams and I think it was probably like, single mass, which is, was his easiest subject because he'd actually covered a lot with a tutor, previously.
he was doing a practice paper. listening to video content and music on in the background and it's always video game music he likes to listen to. So he was watching like an magic the gathering video or something where they were [00:08:00] playing.
Um. And his house master came by his room and brought the new head of sixth form, who had just taken over recently and he was introducing him to all the students in the boarding house, but especially the sixth form students.
they popped their head in and Jamie wasn't expecting this during his study process. And so he's, working on this practice paper and The head of sixth forum looked at what was going on. He was like. You got a lot going on there because he had two screens and you know, of course the school doesn't really want them watching screens during Oh yeah, their prep time.
Yeah. They're not supposed to be watching screens during prep time. he had a great relationship with the headmaster of his boarding house
And luckily his headmaster said, listen, he has the best results so far of, he's had the best mock results of the cohort. Whatever process he works with, it's working for him. So I'm just gonna let him be, I'm not gonna interfere in the process. And, and the head and the other guy said, okay, all right, fine.
And they went on. he just thought that was really funny. I said, were, you asked later to [00:09:00] turn it off? he said, no. they trusted it was working, you know. When
Trusting the Process
Arcadia: I love this story. That's a great story.
the people around him have learned this is his process and The adults in his life trust him around that process.
Jayne: He was, it's very hard to witness,
when he came home at Easter, for example. Yeah. And he was still prepping that way. Yeah. I want to tell him, turn it off. Turn it off. 'cause I myself can't, like, that's not how I work, right? So if I'm doing something academic or work related, I can't even listen to music with lyrics.
because it's too distracting for me. when I witness it, it makes me deeply uncomfortable and I really don't want him to do that. But at the same time, it is in keeping with how he has learned his entire life. Now I see that when I reflect on the way he was when he was younger and the criticisms that teachers had, or the problems they had with him I understand it's a continuation of that.
It's just using the technology that wasn't available to him before. Oh,
Arcadia: okay. Yeah. So, yeah, because I think I would also, my daughter, like [00:10:00] she like will work on her bed with her computer, on her chest, it drives me nuts, right? Yeah. I don't understand how she can do this, right?
And I think, how can this possibly work? But what you're saying is that the way people work doesn't necessarily have to be traditional.
Jayne: Well, certainly not. I have to have a very clean workspace. I have to have quiet. when I was in high school, I would come home in the afternoon
I had to clean up the kitchen. I had to make sure everything in the living room was clean. I always did my homework at my dining room table, and if everything was not perfectly in place, it was a distraction to me. It drove me crazy. But we all know the people who, you go into their offices and their papers everywhere and their books stacked up and it's just a complete mess, and they absolutely thrive in that sort of environment, letting that go when it's your own child and you're so heavily.
Be invested in the outcome is very difficult. That was very difficult for me, when he was little and in school I remember the teachers had an issue because he always wanted doodle on things or if [00:11:00] they were listening to, he was listening to them do a presentation in class.
He always wanted to fiddle with something. So it was like his own ID card, on the lanyard around his neck. the teachers would get frustrated 'cause he was fiddling with his lanyard and his ID card, and then they would take it away and then he would fiddle with.
With his neighbor's lanyard. If he was sitting next to him on the, and instead of like really wrestling, okay, he's not gonna stop fiddling. This is part of how he's processing as he is listening.
it's obviously scratching an itch inside his brain as he's studying.
Arcadia: That's so interesting. scratching that brain itch, that part could be satisfied so that you could then focus your attention on just getting something done. the other thing I wanna dig a little deeper on is There's this emotional reaction, right, to noticing the way that Jamie learns differently, and that is more of a reflection of your.
Own prejudice, I guess, right? On the things that you're seeing him do and that value judgment and you almost have to, you, you almost have to like teach yourself, That not everybody has to learn a very [00:12:00] specific way, right?
Jayne: Yeah, it's hard because, you weigh this against information you get online.
Um, or you read about, you know, when they do brain imaging studies concrete science telling you people don't multitask well, you're just switching tasks because you're not multitasking or, you know, there's certain types of learning or better types of learning.
I think for me, what has been. Difficult, it's been a challenge, is to weigh that information that you think objectively may be true. and weigh that against what your child is telling you. he's telling me I work better this way.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Jayne: And, and trusting that, okay, that's what he's saying.
I'm gonna take him at face value. And you know what? Even if it's not true, there's a degree to which I just have to let it go because this is what he's choosing to do and this is the fuck around. Find out like. If this is where the FAFO comes in. Yeah, exactly. And this is where it comes in. If he's gonna have a worse, outcome, he just has to learn what the consequences of that are, um, what those outcomes are and [00:13:00] reflect on how he would change it himself.
Right. He's at an age where I cannot control that for him. He has to make that decision himself. this worked well for me, or it didn't and what could I do differently? Or what could I do better? And I cannot at some, like you just, especially I think when your kids get to middle and high school, you have to allow them to make that decision for themselves.
Arcadia: Honestly, I needed to hear that right now, because, you can't build that path for them. Right.
you wanna plan all of these, you can't. They have to learn what their method is and they're never gonna learn it unless they sort of stress out a little bit about it. And
Jayne: yeah, for me, there's a real value in self knowledge I say this as someone who didn't have enough self knowledge when they were in college, okay.
And made decisions that. In terms of like what I chose to do after college, like I went into a PhD program right away thinking I wanted something very specific and not having really a full understanding of what that was and not having enough self-knowledge to recognize [00:14:00] until later that choice was a mistake.
I would like to help my boys, avoid that situation. Mm-hmm. By allowing 'em to make these decisions that give them that self-knowledge
Speaker 2: mm-hmm.
Balancing Technology and Values
Arcadia: what do you think parents get wrong about multitasking and screens? especially with this generation of kids.
Jayne: Oh, I really, I really hate seeing what other parents get wrong.
My outcomes are not related to like an achievement. My outcomes are related to a process, Them understanding more of who they are and what they're capable of or how they work best.
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
Arcadia: you know, that process thing is so key. I do wanna pause for a second,
I think that lots of parents can get wrong, They just focus on the outcome and not the process.
Jayne: And I think you have to trust at some point that they're doing their best and if they make mistakes they're the ones living with that mistake. this has to do with things like, are they studying too little?
Are they not studying the right way? You can give them advice. You can say, I think this might work. Can you try working with this? When you have [00:15:00] teenagers, if you're trying to overly control the process, I think most people understand that it often rebounds, it doesn't work out well. The thing is, if you're trying to control the process, when it doesn't work out well, then equally the child wants to put that on you.
that's the problem. if you say, You have to study this way or this is the best way of studying, and that turns out to be not necessarily the best way of studying for them, and they don't have a great outcome. It's very, then it's very easy for them to say, you told me to do this and it didn't work
This is true for anything. Right? True. so I would say that. Especially in small moments, more so than big moments. If you allow them to try these things that or may not work for them, and see the outcomes on a small, incremental basis.
It's easier to look at a big event or a bigger stakes, experience and trust They've made small decisions experimented and have a better understanding of what they need
Arcadia: I see this all the time around screens.
parents often try to eliminate screens instead of teaching kids to use them [00:16:00] intentionally. it's about guidance, not restriction. And sometimes it doesn't, you know, progress does not look like the way it used to for us, right? It's a much different kind of world.
There's a lot more different tools and distractions, right? And so, sometimes we have to be open to it.
Jayne: yeah, I mean, we all know the kids who have not been allowed any sweets, for example. I mean, they come over for a play date and they'll eat nothing but candy and guzzle soda.
it's the same with screens. early on, the person in charge of the IT program at my son's school said, you know, I'm going to caution parents about getting into a firefight. Around technology and screens with their children because unless you intend to keep them in a bubble, they're going to be exposed to these things in context that have nothing to do with you.
in environments where you have no control. if you haven't instilled values and some sense of right or wrong as to what they should be doing, then they're going to really have a difficult time controlling themselves.
Arcadia: do [00:17:00] you see technology as building independence rather than undermining it?
Jayne: it can. I mean, it doesn't always, obviously. and now there are all these other issues that I think were not even an issue like five or 10 years ago we used to worry about YouTube, video games, and now we have to worry about AI is your child using ai, to write their papers?
are you having conversations about that at home? For me, we like to have a lot of conversations about the value of these things, the ethical value of these things. Is it cheating? Is it good? Is it a tool? How do you use the tool? In what circumstances is it appropriate?
for example, with ai, my sons have a much, much more hard line perspective on it than I do. and they're much more negative on ai, for example, than I am. And so it's been good to and interesting to hear their perspective. Right. Especially because they're sort of in the trenches.
They're seeing it used by kids all the time. Yeah. and so I, you know, it's a progression and the problem is when it comes to technologies, I think it's been very difficult for us to forecast what's ahead. if you're only addressing the technology and not the underlying relationships self-knowledge and the [00:18:00] process
Arcadia: That's interesting. My last question If you could go back and give your younger parenting self one message around this technology, what would it be?
Jayne: Um,
That's a really good question.
I feel like we did a good job with it. I probably would be less hard on my older son. The eldest always feels the full brunt of a parent's control.
Most parents are very strict with the eldest, then increasingly less so, and by the third one, they're like, we've talked about feral children. with my youngest. We have been very hands off with him. and of course he's exposed to these things along the way because he's got older siblings.
I would reassure myself that as long as I'm having open conversations with my kids, it's gonna be okay.
Arcadia: Oh, That's so wise.
Thank you Jayne, for sharing your story.I really appreciate it. more parents need to know about this FAFO parenting, believing that even if it's messy, it's, doesn't have to be about [00:19:00] control, it's about trust, and accepting the noise
Jayne: Yeah, I, feel really nervous about people thinking that context matters, right? if I were parenting in the United States, I may be parenting differently.
if I were parenting daughters, I might be parenting differently. I feel that there's different risks for young women than for young men. Things that don't bother me, for my sons, I understand that my friends who've got daughters, those are concerns for them.
So the find out is very different depending on who you're talking about.
Arcadia: That's very important to note.
Jayne: thank you so much, Jayne. I really appreciate it. Thank you. You're welcome. Thanks for having me on.
Arcadia:
Reflections and Final Thoughts
Arcadia: In this episode, we explore what it means to trust focus. That doesn't always look the way we expect for Jayne and her son Jamie. Technology isn't a distraction. It's a rhythm. Two screens, music in the [00:20:00] background, YouTube, murmuring It looks like chaos, but. That might be the way he finds calm.
What began as a mother's hesitation became a lesson in letting go and realizing that sometimes noise is focus and difference is strength. For parents, the takeaway is simple. Trust what works. Know the context, even if it looks unfamiliar, because sometimes the best way to guide our kids is to stop trying to control the volume.
This podcast is a project of Infinite screen time, an organization I founded in 2020 to help parents raise screen smart kids while embracing the Infinite possibilities of technology.
At its core, the podcast rethinks our relationship with screens without judgment, shame, guilt. Or any easy answers through personal stories, about how technology shapes parenting, family connection, and daily life. Our goal is to open space for [00:21:00] reflection, nuance, and curiosity, because in a world shaped by screens, the way forward begins with understanding the stories behind them.
Thanks so much for listening. It means a lot to be able to share these stories with you. If this podcast spoke to you, I'd love to hear from you. Drop me a Note in the comments or email me at akim@Infinitescreentime.com and if you have a really cool story to tell, I'd love to hear about it. Until then, I'll see you next
time around the Infinite Halls.
